Part 2:
I woke up, went into the living room, and there it was: a goat.
Pointy horns, nasty hooves, dirty white hair or fur or whatever.
Standing right where we watch TV!
I thought it was a dream until I remembered I’d never dream anything so smelly.
Colin had just gotten home from his night shift at the warehouse.
Grinning like we’d won the lott0.
The goat locked onto me with its goaty eyes.
I must have scared it, ’cuz it starts braying up a storm, and -
Wait a minute. Bray? That’s not right. Donkeys bray.
It made a noise like a bray, like a monkey with a cough drop in its throat, a mentholated one.
It made this mentholated monkey bray and darted away.
Now suddenly Colin’s not looking so good, he takes off running, too.
Dashing past me and yelling, “Bad Jessie! Bad Jessie!”
“Jessie? You know this goat?”
“A guy in the warehouse, his cousin owns a farm.”
Pointy horns, nasty hooves, dirty white hair or fur or whatever.
Standing right where we watch TV!
I thought it was a dream until I remembered I’d never dream anything so smelly.
Colin had just gotten home from his night shift at the warehouse.
Grinning like we’d won the lott0.
The goat locked onto me with its goaty eyes.
I must have scared it, ’cuz it starts braying up a storm, and -
Wait a minute. Bray? That’s not right. Donkeys bray.
It made a noise like a bray, like a monkey with a cough drop in its throat, a mentholated one.
It made this mentholated monkey bray and darted away.
Now suddenly Colin’s not looking so good, he takes off running, too.
Dashing past me and yelling, “Bad Jessie! Bad Jessie!”
“Jessie? You know this goat?”
“A guy in the warehouse, his cousin owns a farm.”
“That’s great, sure. WHY IS A GOAT IN THE HOUSE?”
I felt bad shouting and all, but what the heck?
“I let it in, with the front door."
A picture frame crashed and broke, the one of Rick and Josie on a camping trip.
“Stop chasing it!” I said. “Let it calm down.”
He stopped running and then, in a minute, so did the goat.
I was glad when it wandered to a corner by the couch.
Jessie looked like maybe she needed some quiet time.
I backed far away.
That goat tricked me.
She bit a throw pillow, dropped it down, stomped a foot – and ripped the fabric with her teeth!
I was almost charged to save the pillow, but it was already too late.
Then I said, well, let the dumb goat just stay busy.
I still wasn’t sure what was going on, I wanted to have all the facts.
“Tell me, Colin. Why a goat?”
He looked down, looked a little sheepish, and – Ha!
I said sheepish, that was so random.
Kinda funny.
Anyway, he looked down all sheepish about the goat.
“This guy, Boris, works in the warehouse. His cousin raises goats. Boris says you can drink their milk, they’re fun to have."
“Okay."
“He sold me one, it cost two paychecks. I got the goat as a gift. You’ve been so nice to me.”
He looked like he was gonna cry.
“Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. We can fix this.”
I felt bad shouting and all, but what the heck?
“I let it in, with the front door."
A picture frame crashed and broke, the one of Rick and Josie on a camping trip.
“Stop chasing it!” I said. “Let it calm down.”
He stopped running and then, in a minute, so did the goat.
I was glad when it wandered to a corner by the couch.
Jessie looked like maybe she needed some quiet time.
I backed far away.
That goat tricked me.
She bit a throw pillow, dropped it down, stomped a foot – and ripped the fabric with her teeth!
I was almost charged to save the pillow, but it was already too late.
Then I said, well, let the dumb goat just stay busy.
I still wasn’t sure what was going on, I wanted to have all the facts.
“Tell me, Colin. Why a goat?”
He looked down, looked a little sheepish, and – Ha!
I said sheepish, that was so random.
Kinda funny.
Anyway, he looked down all sheepish about the goat.
“This guy, Boris, works in the warehouse. His cousin raises goats. Boris says you can drink their milk, they’re fun to have."
“Okay."
“He sold me one, it cost two paychecks. I got the goat as a gift. You’ve been so nice to me.”
He looked like he was gonna cry.
“Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. We can fix this.”
“Fix this? You mean call Rick?"
“Don’t call Rick!” I said.
“What?"
“He’s got enough on his mind. Starting a new business, plus doing his regular job. Don't bother him with a goat.”
I thought Jessie was occupied with the pillow, but she must have got bored real fast.
The next thing we heard was the orange plants:
“Please come here quick/With haste may you strive/Or this beast shall eat us alive!”
That goat stood there nibbling on their leaves.
Like at some barnyard buffet!
I got right in the goat’s face and growled. A big-time scary growl.
But the goat didn’t look scared, not really, it just looked bored.
As if contemplating some weird goat movie it saw last week and didn’t understand the ending.
I went low, I took my crouching pose and growled even more.
But this made the goat mad.
It let out a wild “MRAAAAY” and snapped to bite me!
“Stop it! Stop it!” I yelled, taking off with the goat at my heels.
Colin was brave, he stood near the fridge and as I passed he opened the door, whacking it just enough to make it stop.
“OK, get some food out,” I said. “Anything, just give it to her.”
We found leftover chicken and dumped it on the floor.
The goat seemed intrigued.
Perhaps ‘intrigued’ is too strong a word, but it stopped and froze.
“Don’t call Rick!” I said.
“What?"
“He’s got enough on his mind. Starting a new business, plus doing his regular job. Don't bother him with a goat.”
I thought Jessie was occupied with the pillow, but she must have got bored real fast.
The next thing we heard was the orange plants:
“Please come here quick/With haste may you strive/Or this beast shall eat us alive!”
That goat stood there nibbling on their leaves.
Like at some barnyard buffet!
I got right in the goat’s face and growled. A big-time scary growl.
But the goat didn’t look scared, not really, it just looked bored.
As if contemplating some weird goat movie it saw last week and didn’t understand the ending.
I went low, I took my crouching pose and growled even more.
But this made the goat mad.
It let out a wild “MRAAAAY” and snapped to bite me!
“Stop it! Stop it!” I yelled, taking off with the goat at my heels.
Colin was brave, he stood near the fridge and as I passed he opened the door, whacking it just enough to make it stop.
“OK, get some food out,” I said. “Anything, just give it to her.”
We found leftover chicken and dumped it on the floor.
The goat seemed intrigued.
Perhaps ‘intrigued’ is too strong a word, but it stopped and froze.
Within seconds, the goat and the food were fast friends.
“Maybe now’s a good time?” Colin asked. “Get it out of here?”
I said, “Out of here?” and he said, “Blink it,” and I said, “Where?” and he said, “Anywhere.”
“I need to know where I’m blinking it.”
“Can’t you blink? Are you too tired? Need to recharge?”
And when he said that, well, you know, I got a little mad.
Indignant, yeah.
I got a little indignant.
“No, I’m not gonna blink it.”
“Why not?"
“I’m always good for a blink, sure, that’s my thing. But let's solve this problem. I’m smart, you’re smart. We can do this."
I relaxed a little until I heard the orange plants:
“Can you please hide us/Where we can’t be found/And move us to much higher ground?”
And yeah, that made sense.
I had Colin get them, he put their pot on the kitchen table.
I said, “Uh, aren’t you plants supposed to know these things? None of you saw this coming?”
“Not every vision/Gives warning notes/Nor antidotes for goats.”
Maybe they were trying to be funny?
Colin put up his hands and said, “OK, you won’t blink it, we can’t call Rick. Where do goats go?”
I looked up and pondered that very question.
Where do goats go?
“Maybe now’s a good time?” Colin asked. “Get it out of here?”
I said, “Out of here?” and he said, “Blink it,” and I said, “Where?” and he said, “Anywhere.”
“I need to know where I’m blinking it.”
“Can’t you blink? Are you too tired? Need to recharge?”
And when he said that, well, you know, I got a little mad.
Indignant, yeah.
I got a little indignant.
“No, I’m not gonna blink it.”
“Why not?"
“I’m always good for a blink, sure, that’s my thing. But let's solve this problem. I’m smart, you’re smart. We can do this."
I relaxed a little until I heard the orange plants:
“Can you please hide us/Where we can’t be found/And move us to much higher ground?”
And yeah, that made sense.
I had Colin get them, he put their pot on the kitchen table.
I said, “Uh, aren’t you plants supposed to know these things? None of you saw this coming?”
“Not every vision/Gives warning notes/Nor antidotes for goats.”
Maybe they were trying to be funny?
Colin put up his hands and said, “OK, you won’t blink it, we can’t call Rick. Where do goats go?”
I looked up and pondered that very question.
Where do goats go?